The Stress Free Way to Manage Mealtimes [picture of a family eating dinner smiling and talking. One child sits on the mother’s lap.

Connect through Communication

Sharing our memories, thoughts, feelings, and ideas are some of the important ways we feel closer as a family. Sometimes it can be difficult for children to share what they’re thinking (and parents too). There are lots of ways you can open the door to more meaningful conversations during meals whether or not your child uses verbal language as their primary form of communication. Here are six strategies that may make sharing during family meals easier: (1) slow down the conversation, (2) give directions for communication, (3) use visuals, (4) emphasize non-verbal communication, 5) tell the story of your family, and 6) include augmentative and alternative communication (AAC).

Slow down the conversation. Children on the autism spectrum often need more time to process what is said to them and respond compared to children with typical development. What this means is by the time your child heard something and thought of what they want to say, the conversation has moved on and now they’re trying to catch up and listen to the next thing that is happening. Slowing the conversation down can give your child the time they need to process and participate. Try to wait at least 5 seconds before asking a question again or changing topics. If you have other children in your home, it’s important that they know about slowing down the conversation too.

Q: What’s your favorite part about eating dinner with your family?

A: Just talking to mom. I don’t do much talking, but just talking to her. —9-year-old boy on the autism spectrum

A: “The talk. The chatter. And the food.” —8-year-old girl on the autism spectrum

Dinner Time Conversations: Dinner time is when I can share my thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I can learn about what other people in my family are thinking and feeling too. Here are some different things I can do: 1. I can ask a question “How was you…

Give directions for communicating. Depending on your child’s communication skills, the kind of direction they need for communicating may differ. Some children might need you to be direct about making specific requests. For example, if your child takes your hand and takes it to the serving dish, you can say, “Sign more food.” Some children might need coaching to know when to ask a question or that someone is waiting for a response—Just because it seems obvious to you to comment after someone says something, doesn’t mean it will be obvious to your kiddo. Sometimes it just doesn’t occur to them that you expect a response. So, you can just gently prompt them. For example, if one sibling is talking about a dance at school, you may prompt your other child by saying, “ask your sibling a question about the dance.” Some kids might need scripts or sentence starters to help them think about what they want to say. “Dinner Time Conversations” is a simple social story with conversation prompts that can prompt kids on sharing during mealtimes.

It’s not only children on the spectrum who need directions for communicating—all children do, especially for communicating with each other. Instead of always being the one to direct conversations, you can suggest to siblings how they can talk to each other.

Use visuals. Visuals, like the one pictured above, can help prompt conversation. They can also be used to set expectations. For example, a visual timer can help children understand how long they are expected to stay at the table. Or a visual schedule can be used to shape expectations. Visuals can also be used to spark conversations. For example, a family photo album or playing family photos as a slide show on the TV can spark conversations and help remember important family events. Visuals don’t have to be complicated. Keeping a piece of paper and pen on hand—that way you can jot down a quick list, this than that, or set of choices whenever you need it.

Connect through Communication: Here are 6 strategies that may make communication easier. 1.) slow down the conversation. Allow at least 5 seconds before re-asking a question or moving on to a new topic. 2.)Give Directions for communicating. Don't as…

Emphasize non-verbal communication. Smiling, a soft voice, laughter, touch, polite language are all examples of ways you can communicate that mealtimes are for connection. Children often use their behavior to communicate to parents, but parents’ behavior also communicates to children. Important features of parents’ non-verbal communication include facial expirations, tone of voice, speed of talking, body language, and connotations of words. Each of these features communicates messages about roles, respect, and feelings. Our non-verbal communication is what gives the mealtime its overall sense of feeling. Parents often feel like it’s their kids who set the tone of the meal, but parent’s non-verbal communication is really important.

Tell the story of your family. Mealtimes connect us with the past and future. Your family has a special story and mealtimes are a great time to share it. It helps your children understand who they are, where they come from, and your family values. Simple phrases like, “In our family, we all help clean up after dinner because we take care of one another” or “In our family, some of us like to eat spicy food but some of us don’t because we’re all a little different” can help children understand what your family values. Telling stories about what mealtimes looked like for you growing up or how you’ve chosen to change your family’s routine helps children understand what’s important. Pictures and short videos of the seemingly mundane parts of family life, help to reinforce family values. When children watch these clips—short clips of themselves doing well during mealtimes—it encourages that positive behavior and reinforces family values.

Include Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC). AAC is a catch-all term for communication systems for people who don’t use spoken language, writing, typing, or sign language to communicate. It can also be important for children who have some spoken language but aren’t fluent. AAC can be high tech, like an IPAD with a communication app, or low tech, like a picture exchange communication system (PECS). A speech and language pathologist can help you find the best AAC for your child and there are great resources at USSAAC. Children who use AAC need access to it all the time, but mealtimes can be a great place for the whole family to become more comfortable and proficient with AAC. Also, Speech and Language Pathologist, Rebecca Eisenberg, has a series of YouTube videos on implementing AAC at home.

 

References

All content is original to Mealtimes on the Spectrum, but is based on the following scientific literature:

  • Gerow, S., Hagan-Burke, S., Rispoli, M., Gregori, E., Mason, R., & Ninci, J. (2018). A systematic review of parent-implemented functional communication training for children with ASD. Behavior modification, 42(3), 335-363. https://doi.org/10.1177/0145445517740872

  • Akamoglu, Y., & Meadan, H. (2018). Parent-implemented language and communication interventions for children with developmental delays and disabilities: A scoping review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 5(3), 294-309. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40489-018-0140-x

  • Donato, C., Spencer, E., & Arthur-Kelly, M. (2018). A critical synthesis of barriers and facilitators to the use of AAC by children with autism spectrum disorder and their communication partners. Augmentative and Alternative Communication, 34(3), 242-253. https://doi.org/10.1080/07434618.2018.1493141