Connect Through chores

For many of us, the thought of adding chores to our child’s daily routine seems like a bridge too far. It’s hard enough getting everything done when we do it ourselves! But when we coach our way through chores, they don’t have to be a source of stress or conflict. Chores can actually be a tool that helps bring the family together. On top of that, chores are important for ensuring your child has the skills they need for the future. The trick to introducing chores in a way that children can accept is matching the chore to where they are at developmentally.

The chart below breaks down chores by age. The ages of more of a guideline than a hard and fast rule. On top of that, we provide a range as a guide to help you think about the types of tasks that appropriate. How do we consider what tasks at what ages? First, we’re going to think about the physical size and strength of a child. A three-year-old may have a grasp of how to take out the trash, but unless you have a really tall three-year-old, they cannot physically complete the task. This is also an important consideration for children who have mobility impairments. Next, we thought about whether or not the task naturally has visual cues or not. For example, setting the table comes relatively late. That’s because to set a table, you have to be able to imagine what the table looks like set and then find the needed materials hidden in cabinets. Compare that to putting clean dishes away. The child looks in the dishrack, sees the dish, and takes the dish to wear it belongs. Comparatively, it’s much simpler.

Third, we thought about the number of steps. The more steps, the more complex the task is. This is especially important for children who have ADHD. Kids with ADHD are going to need more coaching to complete tasks with more steps—it is just so much easier for them to get distracted mid-sequence. Forth, we thought about whether or not the task is concrete or not. Some tasks, like washing the dishes, have a clear end. For other tasks, there’s a standard for cleanliness that you have to meet and that is much vaguer. You and your child may not have the set standard. We have wiping down the table and or chairs as the first introduction to one of these types of tasks where you have to meet a standard. Physically, it’s small and simple, so that makes it a good chance to teach a more complex skill. Finally, as children become older, they need tasks that carry a greater weight of responsibility.

How many chores should my child do?

There’s no set number of chores or set amount of time that you should spend doing chores. Some chores may be easier to incorporate into your routine than others. Your child may enjoy some chores more than others (cooking is a favorite). Some families really focus on chores on the weekends and let weekdays slide.

What if my child refuses to do chores?

My first question back would be are you starting a new chore or are they refusing to do a chore they regularly do? If they are refusing to do a chore that they regularly do, that somethings wrong—it might be related to the chore or totally unrelated and that’s just the way it’s coming. If it’s a new chore, they might not understand why you’re asking them to do it. It helps to explain why it is important. Sometimes the timing of the chore can cause a problem. For example, if your child gets some screen time while your cooking dinner, asking them to get off the iPad and come do a chore associates the chore with having to give up the game. Instead, they could complete the chore, before they get screen time. For some kids on the spectrum, adding something new to the routine is going to cause stress. They may need more time and maybe visual support or a checklist to help them anticipate the change. For some families, it’s really important that you do chores as part of your family responsibilities. Other families use chores as a chance to teach that you have to work for the things that you want and use incentives for chores. Either strategy can be successful if you have the right supports in place. Just offering an incentive might work for a little while, but doesn’t tend to work long term.

What if my child isn’t really capable of completing a chore?

Most of the chores on the list are important in adult life. Clearly, work on the chores that are easiest for your child first so they can get in the routine. As time goes on you should be looking for ways that you could adapt the chores that may put up barriers to independence. For example, young adults don’t have the skills to use a knife or the stove—they can still learn to prepare meals in the microwave or a hot pot with a timer. One challenge is thinking creatively about tasks and alternative ways they can be completed. An Occupational Therapist can be really useful in helping you adapt chores.

The other challenge is not jumping to conclusions—either the conclusion that your child can’t do it or the conclusion that your child can do it, but is just refusing to. In the quotes below, the 8-year-old is was in all gifted programming at school. Even though she didn’t need academic support, she needed a great deal of support with this task. The 11-year-old had a co-occurring intellectual disability. Even though he needed a great deal of academic support, he was quite independent with many tasks at home. Sometimes the parents of the 8-year-old thought she was wilful when she struggled to do simple tasks. What can be hard to figure out is that for kids on the spectrum, their skill sets don’t always “hang together” the way we might expect. That leaves parents sometimes overestimating and sometimes underestimating how much support they need.

References

All content is original to Mealtimes on the Spectrum, but is based on the following scientific literature:

• Pituch, K. A., Green, V. A., Didden, R., Lang, R., O’Reilly, M. F., Lancioni, G. E., & Sigafoos, J. (2011). Parent reported treatment priorities for children with autism spectrum disorders. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 5(1), 135-143. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rasd.2010.03.003

• Hong, E. R., Ganz, J. B., Morin, K., Davis, J. L., Ninci, J., Neely, L., & Boles, M. B. (2017). Functional living skills and adolescents and adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder: A Meta-analysis. Education and Training in Autism and Developmental Disabilities, 52(3), 268-279. https://www.jstor.org/stable/26420399

• Di Rezze, B., Duku, E., Szatmari, P., Volden, J., Georgiades, S., Zwaigenbaum, L., ... & Pathways in ASD Study Team. (2019). Examining Trajectories of Daily Living Skills over the Preschool Years for Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(11), 4390-4399. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-019-04150-6