Mealtimes are about connection
Nobody wants to have a mealtime that’s stressful. Nobody wants a lot of arguing. We don’t want our kids to run away from the table or refuse to come to the table. Or even worse, maybe your mealtime looks peaceful on the outside but doesn’t feel good inside. Why does that happen? What can we do about it? Division of Responsibility Feeding will help a lot. The next tool you need in your toolkit is coaching.
There are a lot of reasons why our mealtimes get stressful. For many of us (and especially our kids), we’ve been working hard to keep our emotions in check all day, and then when we get home, we can finally let go a little. Unfortunately, sometimes that means our emotions (and our kids’ emotions) come out with more intensity than we mean for them to or in situations that don’t make perfect sense. We can get into power struggles about little things. Sometimes these power struggles carry weight from old conflicts. And even for those of us who are generally good at keeping our emotions in check at home, we can get frustrated the 100th time we give the same direction.
Coaching is an approach to giving corrections and directions in emotionally neutral ways. All children need corrections and directions, but children on the spectrum often need more instruction, in more domains, and with greater frequency. So much guidance is hard for them and us. Given the frequency that corrections and directions are given, even a little bit of negativity and frustration can have a big impact—kids become upset, frustrated, and/or resistant. When that happens some parents back off and stop providing necessary boundaries while other parents get stricter and harsher. Or sometimes we’re more strict or lenient based on our mood and that in and of itself is stressful for kids. But we can do something to change this dynamic. That’s where coaching comes in. This is how it works:
Use calm, neutral corrections and directions. The truth is, many children on the autism spectrum need more corrections and directions than other children their age. When you have to give a lot of corrections and directions, even if you give a lot of praise too, the relative ratio can easily become unbalanced. Also, corrections and directions can easily feel like criticisms. Children start to feel shame and guilt. Some will tense up and withdraw. Others might to “defend” themselves and go on the attack. For these reasons, it is really important to take as much emotion out of corrections and directions as possible. The less emotion, the less likely they are to feel criticized. When corrections are given without criticism, children understand them better and are more likely to follow them.
The tricky part is, emotions creep in many different ways. The words we choose have emotional connotations. So does the way we phrase them. Our tone and speed communicate emotions. So do our facial expressions—I once observed a child say to their mother, “You’re yelling at me with your face!” On top of this, mealtimes can be stressful for us, whether it’s because we had a busy day at work, you’re afraid you’re about to mess up dinner, the kids are bouncing all over the place, or you’re carrying a heavy burden. And our kids often have difficulty regulating their own emotions, which can agitate our own. So it’s important to regularly check-in with yourself, to take the emotions out.
Focus on what should happen. When our kids are doing something that they’re not supposed to be doing, the natural instinct is to say, “No,” “Stop,” or “What are you doing?” The fact of the matter is, for most children on the spectrum, that’s not going to work. Whether it’s impulsivity, executive functioning, communication, motor planning, sensory regulation, emotional regulation, or all of the above getting in the way, we need a different approach to be effective. For each time you find yourself wanting to tell your child what not to do, stop and re-phrase to say what they should do.
Use short, simple phrases or cues. Without even realizing it, when we give guidance we often use complex language. Sometimes we give too many steps at once. Sometimes we add a lot of explanation. Sometimes we coach our guidance in apologetic language. This can be confusing, distracting, and make our corrections and directions less effective. Short simple phrases work better even if they sound a little colder. Just be careful not to say them in a harsh or accusational tone and the coldness will be minimized.
Sometimes we find ourselves making the same corrections and directions over and over again. When we can anticipate the guidance our children need, we can plan for it. One way we can plan is to provide visual cues in replace of verbal guidance. For example, if your child needs directions every time they set the table, they may need a visual cue like a picture of a place setting so they know what to do. Gesture cues are also great. For example, a hyponsentative child may not feel that they have food on their face. Instead of always giving them a verbal direction, start matching your direction with a gesture like miming wiping your face. Over time you can fade the verbal direction and just use the gesture.
Prioritize to make space for connection. Connection is one of the most important parts of family meals but that is hard when they feel off balance. Mealtimes can feel off balance because you’re giving too much guidance and your child feels overly controlled. They can also feel off balance when you’re not giving enough guidance and things feel out of control. It can be a hard balance to strike, but what mealtimes need is just the right amount of control. When you think about when what, and how much guidance to give, let connection be your guide. You might need to let some less than ideal behavior go so you have space to connect. On the other hand, you might need to provide more support so that mealtimes can actually happen. Each family will look a little different, but the important thing is figuring out what feels right for your family.
References
All content is original to Mealtimes on the Spectrum, but is based on the following scientific literature:
Ausderau, K. K., John, B. S., Kwaterski, K. N., Nieuwenhuis, B., & Bradley, E. (2019). Parents’ Strategies to Support Mealtime Participation of Their Children With Autism Spectrum Disorder. American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 73(1), 7301205070p1+. http://dx.doi.org.udel.idm.oclc.org/10.5014/ajot.2019.024612
Sharp, W. G., Burrell, T. L., & Jaquess, D. L. (2014). The Autism MEAL Plan: A parent-training curriculum to manage eating aversions and low intake among children with autism. Autism, 18(6), 712-722. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361313489190
O’Nions, E., Happé, F., Evers, K., Boonen, H., & Noens, I. (2018). How do parents manage irritability, challenging behaviour, non-compliance and anxiety in children with autism spectrum disorders? A meta-synthesis. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(4), 1272-1286. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3361-4